OBSERVATION ON OLD AGE

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I notice as I get older I make fewer mistakes, and I admit more readily to them. I know now why old people wear sweaters in warm weather…they’re fucking cold. I linger in a hot shower much longer than before. And I don’t give a damn how much the hot water is costing me. I notice small things and wonder about people a lot more. Like, standing at a urinal in Sams Club, I looked down and saw pubic hairs in the basin! WTF! How does that happen?

I’ve learned that everyone who preached giving is the secret to happiness was right. That rich is better than poor, but only for the reason that you can give more to the needy, and particularly to animals that are in shelters.

That being idle isn’t a bad thing like I’ve always thought. Having a good and productive day is good but having a day of complete idleness, reading, writing, thinking and wondering…is as important if not more.

That its OK to not worry about time, about how long something takes, being on time, planning time. Not knowing what day or time it is can be pleasantly warm and comfortable. And, not knowing somehow makes time slow down and languish…the role of being idle.

I notice that I check my zipper more often to make sure its zipped and not down, which happens with greater frequency.

That so many people who were in my life, friends, acquaintances, lovers, even my first wife are either dead or good for good…somewhere.

I have a greater interest in more thoughtful pursuits like Philosophy, the study of world religions, meditation, and related but totally different activity like fly fishing and spirited debate with people who share my pursuits if not my beliefs. Music has evolved in my life from rock to jazz, to big band. And although I still occasionally listen to these songs, I am more apt to listen to a Gregorian chant.

My days are quiet now, my nights filled with vivid dreams. Images and stories unfold of life long ago. Of people who are gone now but who occasionally visit me and we talk, laugh, argue, and cry.

My mornings are slow and languid…routine and not so bad.

Life has slowed and I am growing content. Things that were important yesterday – are not so today. Other things take their place, less important things.

Our Cats have become my friends, family, and companions, and I’m anxious to get home at the end of the day to be with them. They make me laugh. Of course my wife, who is my life…is my constant companion and I love her so.

Simplicity reigns. What’s for dinner? Do you want a glass of wine? What did you have in mind to do today? Is it time for the news? What to read next. What to write next. Which way to walk in the morning…or not walk at all.

Melancholy with age, my thoughts have turned to family more often, Things said & done that I shouldn’t have, things done & said that could have and should have been done better. Things I had a chance to do and then lost the chance.

I watch the river from the window and wonder what is missing? Something is missing and I can’t find it. I envy the river…it never stops to wonder, or worry, or argue. It ignores all but it’s mission…to travel, remain pure, to nourish so much life and provide a healthy home for trout.

If I could come back from death, and be whatever I want…

I’d want to be a river.

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